


We Grow, We Grow, Lest We Lose the Light

by Enk



Series: Follow the Call (to the Taebaek Mountains) [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Domestic, Fluff, Friendship, M/M, Sick Character, Slice of Life, Teensy Bit of Angst, Victor is Extra, as slice of life as living with Victor can be, ish, new routine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-22 00:29:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9573863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enk/pseuds/Enk
Summary: It seems like a mundane day: Victor goes off to work on a new routine. Yuuri is supposed to train with Mila and Georgi off the ice today. All appears to go well, until Yuri misses training.





	

After the protein pancake disaster, Victor and Yuuri take turns making breakfast. They stick to things they know: eggs, rice, lean meats, yoghurt, fruits, delicious rye bread, and unfortunately, protein bars and shakes for days when they wake with a start because they overslept or just can’t pull away from each other to have time to make breakfast. Yuri joins them on occasion but over the past two weeks, those occasions had become fewer. Victor and Yuuri are both still concerned, but for Victor, his concern crescendos when Yuri misses practice.

 

“He lives with you and Lilia.” Victor is on the ice when he finds out that Yuri has not come to practice. He has to spin twice to keep himself from having an outburst. It’s something he’s been working on and not at all so Yuuri doesn’t think he is higher maintenance than the man already thinks he is. “How can he skip practice when he lives with you? How do you not notice the constant angry snark missing from your life?”

 

“He said he was going to your place.” Yakov gives him nothing, not even a twitch of an eyebrow to show concern. Nothing. “It’s time to practice, Vitya.” Frustrated, Victor pushes off the rink wall and glides to the middle of the rink. He knows he needs to calm down and focus on training. If Yuri went to their apartment, Yuuri would have still been there. And if he didn’t, it is no use to worry in this moment, and really he is more than likely just emptying his fridge. Yuuri is off the ice for the next two days, gym and hot yoga with both Mila and Georgi, so he gets to sleep in longer and would still have been at the apartment. Besides, it’s just Yuri and one of his moods, he always turns up again, Victor rationalises in order to calm down while he skates a few laps. Probably too fast for Yakov’s liking but Victor needs to feel the wind in his hair, needs to hear the sound of his skates cutting into the ice, how it changes when he shifts his weight.

 

Victor still needs a program. These past couple of weeks, he has spent going through all of the ones in his senior career to find inspiration. He even skated all of Yuuri on Ice in hopes Yuuri- oh Yuuri- would paint inspiration for Victor like he did for himself so easily. And he had, but none of it was tangible enough for Victor distill it into movements on the ice. He had thought that Yuuri alone would be enough inspiration for his theme, but all that inspiration usually led to extraordinarily creative ideas in bed and on the kitchen counter and the breakfast bar and- Victor shakes his head as he tries to focus. His feelings for Yuuri are too much, too complicated, and he knows they are not something he wants to share with the world.

 

He leans back, glides across the rink on one skate with his eyes closed. By now, Yakov must have started recording while he waited for Victor to find himself. He remembers Yakov showing him recordings of his last performance at Worlds. It surprised Victor that he had looked bored, like he hadn’t even been mentally present. And deep down, he knows both are true. Even worse, it was something the judges should have seen, something that should have affected his performance scores, but everyone had been- still is- so enamored with Victor, he could do now wrong. No matter what kind of performance he comes up with, Victor knows that he will get the best and highest marks just for being Victor Nikiforov. That isn’t something he wants. If-when- he wins gold again, he wants to feel like he deserved it, not like he’d simply gone through the motions.

 

Still, Victor lets his thoughts drift back to his free skate at Worlds. He doesn’t hear the music, doesn’t even remember now what it was, but he mimics the opening of the program, but deflates the movements, pulls the energy out of them. He lets himself be dragged down into the pit of nothing he had felt during the press conference, he had felt during the entire season. No one was surprised by him anymore, no one cared to be surprised by him, no one cared to push him. No one, except for Yuuri. So, he thinks of the hope and joy Yuuri brought him when they had drunkenly danced at the gala. He sways his steps, wobbles his spread eagle. The jump is sudden, unannounced, not a high scoring jump but it will be when he isn’t simply trying to get a feel. He recalls how the sudden light Yuuri had brought faded just as quickly, leaving him in that constant absence of joy he had felt for so long. Another jump, a combo, another moment of light when he had seen Yuuri reach out to him through his own routine, when he had seen how incredible the choreography was when Yuuri skated it and how empty it felt when Victor did. He makes up the steps when he feels the pull, the spontaneous decision to fly across the world as he glides across the ice, his fingertips dragging over the cold surface. He imagines Yuuri’s initial apprehension and the rejection he had felt when Yuuri pulled away from him. Now he knows the struggle Yuuri faces battling his anxiety. What will be a single triple axel at the beginning of the second half conveys how proud he is of Yuuri.

 

Victor moves across the ice, doesn’t see anyone but Yuuri in his mind, but that isn’t all of it. Yuuri isn’t his raison d’etre, isn’t his muse. And this isn’t about their love story. This is about how Yuuri helped Victor rediscover his love for skating again. No, that’s wrong. He changes direction abruptly. Yuuri did so much more. He helped Victor discover a love for life he never before had. He doesn’t care about surprising the audience, not anymore. Victor’s life should never have been about that, but somehow, it had become all-consuming to live for everyone else and never for himself. Yuuri had shown him- still shows him every day- that he doesn’t need to, that he can live his own life, create his own stories on the ice. Victor wants to be better not for an audience or judges, he wants to be better for Yuuri, for himself, for his love of the ice. He stops out of the spin, panting heavily. His lungs burn as he gasps for air and there are pin pricks of light at the edge of his vision. Yakov stands silently at the entrance to the ice and waits for Victor to catch his breath and glide over to lean against the rink wall.

 

“Not bad for a first try?” He looks at Yakov who gives him nothing.

 

“I will send you a copy of the video, Vitya. You should watch it as soon as you get it.”

 

“It wasn’t,” Victor barely dares say the words, “bad, was it?”

 

“Vitya,” he says with not even a smile but pats Victor on the back, “you did all right. Now cool down, you are done for today.”

 

“Already, but I-“

 

“For once, do as I say and if Yura is at your house, tell me.”

 

Victor nods and slips covers on his blades before he sits down on the bench take off his skates. Worry washes over him, makes him wonder if he could be good enough again or if he had let go of the ice for so long that it would not take him back. But the worry also elates him, for once he does not know how good he is. For once he is uncertain and that just steels his resolve to work harder than ever.

 

***

 

Off-ice days mean sleeping in an extra two hours. Of course they also mean that Yuuri is going to be sorer and sweatier than he is on ice days. It also means he will spend his day stuck in a room with Mila and Georgi. They have been nice, really nice, maybe surprisingly so but the part in Yuuri’s brain that worries, the part that lies to him, it isn’t rational. It’s what makes his palms sweaty when he thinks of being alone with them. It’s what makes him entertain the thoughts that maybe they simply pretend to be nice but truly hate him. He knows it isn’t true. He knows it’s a lie conjured up from the depths of his brain. So, he pushes the thoughts away as best as he can while he makes breakfast. Victor had drawn a heart on a piece of paper and left it on the counter beside the bag of oatmeal. Yuuri eats in silence and looks out the window.

 

The clear sky promises a sunny day for once. However, it is still dark, a few stars twinkle in the sky, but the city is already alive. The darkness is something to which he still needs to adjust. Detroit and Hasetsu are close enough in latitude to notice the difference, but there are several daylight hour less in Sankt Petersburg. While travelling, daylight never mattered to Yuuri but for the past two weeks, he had left the house in darkness and come home in darkness. It makes him look forward to the half hour he will have to walk between the gym and the hot yoga class later today. When he finishes his food, he places his dishes in the dishwasher, and turns his face at the smell. They really should have run this days ago, but exhaustion seemed to drive them to collapse on the couch rather than to keep up with household chores. Of course, Victor has a cleaning service that comes once a week, but that’s still three days away. He flinches when he thinks of what his parents- and Mira- would say to his lament and quickly adds detergent and presses the start button with a shudder.

 

Yuuri elects not to shower knowing he will return home drenched in sweat anyhow. He will shower then, maybe with Victor. He slips into the bathroom to brush his teeth and change out of his pyjamas into his workout gear. There is a noise while he brushes his teeth. He pauses and just then, the entrance door falls shut. Yuuri spits in the sink and rinses his mouth before he steps out of the bathroom in nothing but his underwear.

 

“Victor?” Had the man forgotten something? Well, knowing Victor he would kiss Yuuri and claim that as what he had forgotten. It would not be the first time he used that excuse and Yuuri is certain it won’t be the last. Not that he takes it for granted, absolutely not. In fact, he feels his heart thump heavy in his chest thinking about- Victor isn’t in the apartment. That definitely is not Victor curled up into a ball on the couch.

 

“Yurio?” Yuuri flinches, he tries not to call Yuri by his unwanted nickname, but he’s surprised and Yuri doesn’t move. “A-aren’t you supposed to be at practice?”

 

Yuri doesn’t reply, doesn’t even look up and that makes Yuuri crouch beside him as worry surges through Yuuri. Maybe he’s sick, or maybe the pressure of competition has become too much, but that’s not Yuri, is it? Yuri is fire and spite and anger all the time. That’s how he solves problems. This is different. This has been weeks of odd silences and muted behaviour. Yuuri doesn’t know what to do, so he just goes with the first thing that comes to mind. He reaches to feel Yuri’s forehead and notices two things: Yuri is quite warm and there are tears drying on his cheek.

 

“You’re a little warm.” He says and doesn’t mention the tears. “I’ll get the thermometer to see if it’s a fever, okay?” And that’s what he does when he registers the barely-there nod. Yuri opens his mouth without complaint which is when Yuuri takes the 30 seconds he has to throw on a pair of jeans that have been laying on the floor for the past week. Thankfully they’re his.

 

When the thermometer beeps, Yuri takes it from his mouth and holds it out to Yuuri. 38.4C. Definitely a fever. He frowns as he looks at the numbers and notices Yuri’s uncertain look from beneath his hoodie and the blanket. It dawns on him then, Yuri had known Victor isn’t here. They are scheduled for practice together. Yuri had also known that Yuuri would be here. He hadn’t come to sneak a nap on their couch or to hijack their Wi-Fi. He had come to the apartment to find Yuuri and in his own way ask for help.

 

“Okay,” he says and looks at Yuri, trying to remember what Phichit always did when Yuuri was sick in college. “Any other symptoms? Sore throat, stuffy nose, feeling sick?” But Yuri shakes his head.

 

“It hurts.” Yuri says barely audible just as Yuuri figures he won’t answer.

 

“What hurts?” Yuuri kneels on the floor again.

 

“Everything. My knees, my ankles,” Yuri takes a breath and pulls his phone from his pocket. Is he reading a list? “My back, my wrists, my muscles. My head doesn’t hurt. Otabek says to tell you I didn’t fall.”

 

“That’s very good of him to remind you.” Yuuri doesn’t smile but his heart feels full. He remembers when Victor had told him how focused Yuri had always been, on competitions and winning, and how hard a time he had making friends that eventually he had stopped trying altogether. Until Otabek seemed to get Yuri in ways no one else did. “We should see the doctor just to make sure you don’t have the flu, okay?”

 

Yuri nods and Yuuri finishes getting dressed. He sends a message to Mila, Yakov, and Victor.

 

 **Not feeling well, going to the doctor** because he knows Yuri would have gone to them if he had wanted to. It only takes two calls and an awkward conversation in broken Russian and English to get Yuri seen by the doctor’s office which sees the entire Russian team and now also him. Before they leave, Yuuri does wrap an extra scarf around Yuri which earns him a half-hearted glare. He is surprisingly relieved to see it.

 

At the doctor’s office not 20 minutes later, Yuuri plans on staying behind in the waiting area. He isn’t a legal guardian; and he certainly isn’t family, at least not by blood. Surprise takes him when after a while, the doctor- a short, severe looking woman with a tight bun and sharp eyes- motions for him to come to her office. Yuri isn’t there. And Yuuri blanches when the doctor explains they are currently taking x-rays.

 

“He will be just fine,” she says in English with a smile. “You know I have seen him since he was little boy and never has he come willingly. But it is nothing to worry at all, we call it,” she says a Russian term and Yuuri shakes his head. “It is when you grow fast and it hurts. Sometimes, children they grow so fast their bodies cannot keep up and they hurt. They get fever, mood swings, but they always are okay in a few weeks. And taller.”

 

“Can he still train?” It’s really the last thing Yuuri cares about, but he knows Yuri does. Europeans are less than three weeks away.

 

“Yes, I will send Yakov my recommendations. Analgesics will help his fever and pain.” Before Yuuri can respond, the x-rays are ready. The doctor shows him Yuri’s joints even though it feels awkwardly intimate to see someone else’s insides. She points out specific bones and growth plates which mean nothing to Yuuri other than that Yuri has a skeleton, too. “Looks like small boy will grow into a tall man. Maybe 185cm.”

 

Yuuri blinks. Tiny Yuri, tiny filled with the rage of a thousand suns Yuri taller than both he and Victor. He blinks because that’s all he can do, still grateful it is nothing worse. He returns to the waiting room and waits a while until Yuri returns with red-rimmed eyes and a lollipop shoved into his cheek. His face has changed from uncertain and scared back to angry and brooding. Good. They walk back to the apartment mostly in silence until Yuri cuffs him in the side.

 

“Taller than you, katsudon.” He scoffs with a smirk.

 

“Yeah well you’re not taller yet.” Yuuri smiles and wraps his arm around Yuri’s neck and pulls him close.

 

 

***

 

Victor leaves the rink checking his phone to see if Yuuri has sent a message, because he could have and maybe a picture, to make sure Victor remembers what he looks like. They have been apart for close to three hours now. It is a surprise Victor hasn’t already forgotten. His phone flashes the low battery symbol and promptly dies. Great. It’s fine, it’s okay, Yuuri should be at yoga by now. He won’t check his phone while he tries to solidify his friendship with the others. Not that he has to, Mila already loves him and Yuuri seems to get along well with Georgi off the ice. So, Victor heads home. He expects that Yuri is sprawled out on their couch having eaten all the food in the fridge. Victor takes a quick detour to pick up a few groceries on his way and a few pastries. If Yuri is skipping practice, something bothers him. And Victor is not above bribing him to talk about his feelings.

 

“Yuri?” He calls as he walks in the door. “Are you hiding? If you are hiding in the bedroom, believe me you don’t want to be laying in that bed.”

 

Makkachin looks up from said bed when Victor opens the door. Those sheets are in dire need of changing and maybe he should let some air into the room. It still smells like Yuuri and sex and Yuuri having sex, but what was a lingering, heady scent has turned into more of a lingering, stale odor. With a sigh, Victor opens the window. The cold air is crisp and fresh against his skin. He already misses the stench, but it is time to clean up and change the sheets. Sex in fresh sheets is Yuuri’s favourite and when Yuuri is comfortable, he gets experimental. And today, Victor isn’t as sore as that he would rather curl up on the sofa instead of doing anything else. Yuuri will be. Victor barely spent an hour and a half on the ice, he can change the sheets. Right after he give Makkachin a thorough belly scrub.

 

Half an hour later, Victor finally gets up off the floor and even Makkachin gets up to find warmer pastures. He’s a good dog, but in his age the cold bothers him more and more. Victor will order him a warm and fashionable coat online or maybe have one tailor made. Makkachin deserves tailor made coats. One for each day of the week. Yes. After Victor changes the sheets, chooses the softest ones before he closes the window. The room smells light and fresh and together with the sheets, well Victor hopes that Yuuri comes home soon. With a longing look, he closes the bedroom door and heads into the kitchen to pull his phone out of his bag. Ah yes, still dead. He must have forgotten to charge it last night. He plugs it in and goes to raid the fridge while he waits for it to have enough charge to turn back on. Cold chicken and broccoli, it’s a miracle he doesn’t fall asleep like his taste buds do. They need to make more time for food prep. Or buy more hot sauce.

 

The phone chimes when it turns back on, repeatedly, until the message notifications blur into one annoying tone. Victor rolls his eyes and turns the phone towards him while he eats. There are at least two dozen messages not counting other notifications. The latest one he sees first is from Yuri ten minutes ago: **don’t worry old man. tomorrow I kick ur ass on the rink.** Well at least he’s okay. Victor scrolls through his notifications and before he can get to Yuuri’s message, he sees that Yakov has already sent him an e-mail. He grabs his tablet from the sofa and sits down at the breakfast bar. It is then that he sees a message from Mila: **hope Yuuri feels better** Victor’s face falls. Was Yuuri unwell? He is about to send a dozen worried messages to Mila and Yuuri when he hears a key in the door. Yuuri? Was he okay? Maybe being alone with Mila and Georgi was too much today. He sometimes still has days when things that normally are easy for him become incredibly difficult to manage. Usually he lets Victor know, but Victor flips the kettle on regardless and fishes two mugs out of the dishwasher. So hot still.

 

“You are home early, my love!” He chirps from the kitchen as he swallows his worry and leans back to look at the door. He expects a Yuuri, downtrodden by his anxiety; he gets a hiss and a growl from Yuri who flops onto the sofa. Then, he sees Yuuri, calm, smiling as he hangs his jacket up and glares at Yuri until the kid kicks off his shoes. What?

 

“So are you.” Victor is too dumbfounded to reply and gets a kiss instead. He likes kisses. He likes Yuuri kisses. He doesn’t even dignify the gagging noises coming from Yuri with a response other than a lazily lifted middle finger. Did Yuuri- did he and Yuri shrug off responsibility to hang out together? How is that possible? Victor can feel his heart swell and his stomach drop at the same time.

 

“Did something happen?” He manages, his voice is paper thin.

 

“No,” Yuuri says with a look and a glance at Yuri which tells Victor to ask again later. “Did you get all these pastries for yourself? Aren’t you supposed to be eating nothing but protein and vegetables?”

 

“N-no, they’re for everyone?” Victor is still confused, but Yuuri sneaks a hand around his hips and caresses the skin there. Pastries appear to give Yuri enough motivation to drag himself away from his phone and join them in the kitchen. Then, they’re all eating, drinking tea, and talking loudly until Yuri gets a message- probably from Yakov, because he shrugs and puts on his shoes.

 

“Thanks, katsudon.” He says as he stands in the door. He looks at Victor and just smirks before he leaves. Something must have happened today.

 

“Is he going to murder me while sleeping?” Victor pulls Yuuri close before he can busy himself with dishes. “Tell me what happened.”

 

“I’m so glad you check your messages.” Yuuri smiles but doesn’t pull away.

 

“My phone died.” Victor feels bad. He should have remembered to charge his phone before doing anything else. He should have remembered this like he should remember so many things, but he just can’t-

 

“It’s okay.” Yuuri’s kiss pulls Victor from his thoughts. “Yuri wasn’t feeling well, we went to the doctor, and stopped for ice cream on the way back here.”

 

“It’s -25C.”

 

“He insisted.”

  
“Is he sick?”

 

“He has growing pains.”  
  


“Like American TV show?”

 

“Like he is growing so fast that he hurts and feels sick. We looked at his X-rays and every-“

 

“How tall?” Victor needs to know, he just needs to know despite it being completely irrational.

 

“What?”

 

“How tall will he be?”

 

“Victor, I don’t think-“

 

“Tell me!” Perhaps he’s a little overly dramatic. Judging by the look on Yuuri’s face, that’s a definitely, not a maybe.

 

“185cm, but it’s just an estimation.” There is resignation in Yuuri’s voice.  
  


Victor falls silent as he processes. Yuri, little, small, filled with rage Yuri, his Yuri, has started growing. For the longest time, his small statue had bothered him and now, now that he long had accepted he would stay small, he finally started growing.

 

“Our son is growing up!” He looks at Yuuri with misty eyes before he picks him up off the ground and Yuuri just shakes his head and kisses him with a chuckle.

 

“Don’t let him hear you say that.” But no denouncing that it is impossible for them to have a 15 year old son. He sits down at the breakfast bar and swishes the last of his tea before drinking it. All that Victor can think of is that Yuuri has no idea how elegant he makes such a simple motion look. It still strikes Victor in the most profound ways that this is real, that Yuuri loves him as much as he loves Yuuri. He wraps his arms around the man from behind and kisses his jaw and cheek with something akin to worship.

 

“Why did you come home early?” Yuuri asks as he leans back into Victor’s arms and Victor smiles against his ear.

 

“Yakov sent me home.” Oh yes, Victor finally remembers the e-mail Yakov sent him earlier. “He filmed practice and told me to look at video as soon as I got them, but I-“

 

“Forgot?” Yuuri tilts his head and Victor wants to drag him to the bedroom.

 

“Yes.” He does forget things, too often, but Yuuri just reminds him and forgives him and helps him find ways to better remember things. They have even joint their calendars. “You’re never mad at me when I forget things.”

 

“It’s not your fault.” Yuuri just smiles and pulls the tablet closer. “But I think you should look at the video. I can find something else to do if you want to watch it alone.”  
  


“No,” Victor isn’t quite sure why he suddenly feels nervous, but Yuuri always, always grounds him. “No, let’s watch together.”

 

They watch in silence, Victor’s arms still wrapped around Yuuri as the video plays. It picks up when Victor glides across the ice on one skate. Yuuri watches intently, doesn’t say a word the entire time until the video ends with Victor skating towards the camera. Still Yuuri is silent and right now the only opinion that matter is his. Yuuri who sets his jaw and turns around with a frown. Oh no, a frown. Is it that bad? Surely it needs a lot of refinement, but it felt better than anything Victor had skated in years, maybe even better than anything Victor has ever skated in his life.

 

“Are you sure you took off training since Worlds last year?” The frown turns into a smile, a relieved smile like Yuuri is relieved that Victor is going to truly be competition.

 

“I felt inspired.”

 

“I can tell.” Yuuri still smiles and wraps his arms around Victor. “Can we watch it again?”

 

They do. And again. Yuuri talks to him this time, asks questions, pauses and repeats sequences. Victor takes down notes on his phone with time stamps to bring them up to Yakov, watches his landings closely and- “Victor, you have two triple axels.” Yuuri says and pauses the screen Victor having landed the axel a little unsteady. And yes, he does. The second won’t give him any points despite being in the second half.

 

“I do.”

 

“But you wouldn’t get any points, wouldn’t a combina- Victor?” Yuuri’s eyes widen with realization.

 

“You made the quad flip yours. I need to find something else.”

 

“No one has landed a quad axel in competition before.” Yuuri says and for a moment that hurts. Yes, it needs more rotations than any other jump, but- “You should save it for Worlds. That way you have more time to practice and until then, you can make it a combo jump. It will feel off, but you can sell it.”

 

“You want me to jump a quad axel against you?”  
  


“Never said you’ll actually land it.” Yuuri smirks and runs his fingers through Victor’s hair. It feels nice.

 

“I- I don’t want to tell anyone.” Not because he wants to keep his routine under wraps but because he wants Yuuri to be the only one who knows what he has inspired until Victor can show the rest of the world.

  
“You don’t have to.”

 

“Will you train with me? In secret?”

 

“If I agree I’m giving up an extra hour of sleep, aren’t I?” Pause. The longest two second pause Victor has ever suffered through before Yuuri smiles and nods. “Of course. Though that means I’m putting all my quads into the second half.”

  
“Both arms up?”

  
“Obviously.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> denoting text messages isn't my strong suit. I'm probably playing around with how I show them over the next couple of parts of the series. However, I'll make sure they always are consistent.


End file.
